MAINLINE – JIM MAIN
Footy's loose grasp on reality
Baron von Munchausen, if he were still alive, would get a job with any AFL club.
Never heard of the good baron? Well, let's just say he had the reputation for being the world's biggest fibber.
Karl Friedrich Hieronymus von Munchausen was an 18th century German nobleman who told such prodigious whoppers that his name was synonymous with gross exaggeration.
He won wars, went to the moon, sailed the seven seas in a pea-pod and was so good at telling lies that he made a living out of it, travelling from one royal court to another to peddle his porkies. Sadly, mostly everyone believed him.
Doesn't that fit the bill for any club official these days? In fact, there has been so much lying over the past couple of months that no one knows football truth from fiction.
And I blame those who are trying desperately to bolster support for the 2012 season and beyond, desperately trying to boost membership and interest.
They are so hell-bent on painting a rosy picture that they turn other club officials into modern day Munchausens. And much of the media has jumped on the bandwagon without giving it so much as a second thought.
Take, for example, the spin surrounding the recent national draft. According to most experts, this was the thinnest draft for at least five years.
But, listening to club officials and reading some newspapers, you would be forgiven for concluding that every nominated player was a potential champion.
One youngster was described as being "a mix of Matthew Pavlich and Wayne Carey". I kid you not.
Fair dinkum, if such a 17-year-old existed he would be the No.1 draft pick any year and any self-respecting lower order club would "tank" for two seasons to get hold of him.
Yet this mythical beast was nominated way down in the draft. Pavlich-Carey? You're pulling both legs!
There also were the pre-draft pen pictures, with more misleading comparisons. For example, this kid is like Jobe Watson, or Nick Riewoldt, or a smaller version of Adam Goodes.
What absolute tosh! And, apart from anything else, comparisons are odious. No one really wants to be a "next so-and-so"; youngsters want to be themselves.
Then there was the gushing of club officials in description of the youngsters they nominated, with some comments truly nauseating.
They say: "We could not have had a better draft. We had only three low order picks, but they all will be key players for us over a very long period. In fact, we cannot believe that we got the three kids we targeted."
What they really mean is: "We have taken the best of the leftovers and are hoping that one of them will play 20 games for us."
The plain truth is that many of those nominated at this year's draft will fall by the wayside, even those laughingly described as the next Pavlich-Carey or whoever.
However, the draft lies are not the only ones being circulated in the crazy months of November-December, with coaches also determined to outdo Munchausen.
How often have you read over recent weeks of the improvement of plodders, the new determination sweeping a club and of how the new coach is cracking the whip?
For example, a coach will say without the slightest hint of tongue in cheek: "Fred Knucklehead is working his butt off for the first time. He has realised that he has wasted his first two seasons and wants to make an impression.
"Ted Turniphead also is having a sensational pre-season and has added five kilos of muscle. Watch out for him this season, even though he has managed only seven games over the past three seasons."
Then there is the generic comment, by players and coaches alike: "The boys have never worked harder. There is a real buzz around the club as everyone realises we are on the verge of something special. It is the best pre-season anyone at this club can remember."
As for the new coaches, haven't we heard it all before – vowing tighter discipline, harder work, no favouritism and a new game plan?
It's almost as if they are saying that the previous coach was a nong who had no clue.
The reality is that the officials, coaches and players actually believe their whoppers and, even worse, gullible fans swallow this guff too.
Reality bites when their team goes down by 70 points in the opening round and Fred Knucklehead and Ted Turniphead are still trying to win a kick in the reserves.
And those highly prized draft selections are running around in their respective club's state league reserves side.
